To: Someone Who Could be My Girlfriend (If I Were a Lesbian)

Nothing is enough. Nothing could satisfy you. Welcome to unstoppable exhausting over-thinking.

Your 20’s are your selfish years, Kyoko Escamilla once said. But you’re going through those selfish years with ups and downs of responsibility and anxiety. So, the selfish right there does not simply fun and mean like how it should be.

Being 20-something is hard when you’re 20-something, because that’s the oldest you’ve ever been and at the same time: also the youngest you’ll ever be. Now here’s the question: when you’re not used to being adult yet, how can you balance this oldest-youngest situation of yourself by yourself? Of course we’re overwhelmed. I know I am. But then, after reading some articles online, I found out that this selfish years has another name: Quarter Life Crisis.

Another moment when Psychology clarified what you thought was just you being over-dramatic about little shit—oh science.

I don’t have to go to details on this Quarter Life Crisis thing, because it’s nauseous when someone is keep repeating a list that you know all too well, like “tell me something I don’t know!”. Existence could be exhausting, yeah—especially your own?

This Quarter Life Crisis kinda has a best friend, called Confusion. And that Confusion feels like hell, sometimes. And because the experience is on you now, it’s all you can see. Doubts, questions, blah blah blah so on. Some light might come in and illuminate the dark-heavy part of the Confusion, and you can see better. But the comfort doesn’t stay for long, because like I said in the first paragraph: nothing can satisfy you. This “thing comes, thing goes” feels like it changes too fast from one to another. Maybe.

These are the times you find discomfort in every sides there is. You believe that change is coming, but you also worry would you be ready for it or not. You believe that you do your best, but you also worry whether it’s enough or not. You believe that you will end up at something, but you also worry if that’s what you need. You believe that you are exactly where you want to be, but you also worry if you might or not might be settle for something less. You believe that you can be more than what you are now, but you also worry if you being so hard on yourself which is bad for long run, and you just need to relax, enjoy things a little bit. But then, what if you try to relax, everything will pass you by and you lose it all?

It’s just really a combination of bad timing and perfect timing to set goals, and we have to life with it.

Understand that Quarter Life Crisis is normal for your age not really helps get rid of the Confusion. It’s still the same, and when nothings distract you from it, it gets bigger than before. And damn, it sucks!

I said, have someone to talk to. The older ones, Babe. The people who’s happy with their life now and enjoyed their youth enough to understand how hard it is for you now.

Well, the anxiety, responsibility, and the confusion are still there. Well, it wouldn’t just go away after one conversation, no matter how much positivity that comes through it. But they can help you to make it less scary. And make sure, you talk to someone who’s cool enough to talk to you. Not that only people with standards you approved that can talk to you, but you need advice from someone who see the world as you do, not the same way, but similar enough. Talking to someone with different view will only make it even more complicated.

They know better.

The older ones know so much better to understand that one single question would make you explode, say words like the whole world’s weight is on your shoulder when it never was. So talk to them, the people who’s willing to listen without feel the need to ask you this stupid question: “why are you being so stubborn?”. Because those who do, are the ones you don’t need. If they can’t understand they way you want things to be, why bother asking them advice to tell you how things they think should be?

 

 

 

PS: If we’re 35, and both of us are not married yet, will you marry me?

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