Because of This Girl who Cried on My Bed on Thursday Morning

I envy her, I envy her even though I laughed inside as she told me why she cried.

But I envy her, especially after she told me why. I envy her ability to cry over negligible reason. I envy that she can put so much weight on herself, but at the same time, know how to drop that burden for a while, through tears. I envy her for letting that bother her enough to cry about it.

I envy the simplicity that she puts into her feelings, crying when she needs to or just to release the unbearable.

But I used to hate people like her. It might sound sexist (but that’s not my intention), just to be more precise, I hate girls like her. It was mostly because of friend’s status update on her social media, that goes like this:

When a girl cries over a guy, she really loves him. When a boy cries over a girl, he will never love another girl like her.

Just another shitty thing to find online.

I hate it and aware that I don’t need to, but I just can’t help it. I know that I don’t need any validation of what I am feeling, but reading that makes me feel less of a person just because most girls find it easy to cry but it doesn’t work that way for me. I see injustice in that statement, and it’s irritating.

I hate that just because most boys don’t cry so much, it makes their tears are more profound than girls’. I hate that when people say men are less of a man just because he cries sometimes, or a lot. Oh, I hate many things, don’t I? But come on, it’s just a fucking tears! Though I wouldn’t call myself a Feminist and still try to figure out my position in the global conversation about Feminism, I agree with Emma Watson in her UN speech here.

Both men and women should feel free to be sensitive. Both men and women should feel free to be strong… It is time that we all perceive gender on a spectrum not as two opposing sets of ideals.

I hate it when people make it such a big deal when a man cries. Like some of my girlfriends who said, “Really? He cried? Aw, he is deeply in love with you and you would be a fool not to take him back”. And as the other consequences, I would never talk about it with my male friends that my ex-boyfriend cried in front of me because they would make fun of him for expressing his feelings through tears, even though I just can tell that they are also crying over a girl, sometimes. What a mess.

I would be a fool if I don’t take him back just because it is rare that men cry. I am evil because he cried and I am not. I am a bitch and he is simply the good guy. Blah blah blah. And when I cry it would be just this ordinary things girls do? Blah to that! One of my friends even called me “heartless” because I don’t cry. Not only once, my friends joke about that I am not a woman because I don’t cry. Often, people said that I am too “boyish” because I don’t cry. Blah blah blah.

I don’t mind to have all those titled put on me. Sometimes, when you get that a lot, you are so used to it and it doesn’t bother you anymore. Furthermore, my feelings are mine, and no matter what anyone said about how I handle it or how I react to it emotionally and physically, it doesn’t change how it feels.

Feelings are something we feel inside, and when you don’t let anyone in, you are the only one who knows.

It would take a tsunami of emotion for me to cry, and I see it as a weakness. Can not cry is a torture, for real. It takes so much of you when you unable to let it all out, it is physically hurts when the tears just don’t come out easily. And wouldn’t it more ridiculous to mock men who are blessed to cry easily just because it doesn’t match what they are expected to be?

It makes me feel sad and I feel bad for men or boys because all people say about being soft is not for them, it makes them appeared to be weird when they do. Which is not supposed to happen. That stupid rule that they can’t explore all the human’s emotion because some emotions are contradicting with their expected role is just freaking nonsense. And on the other hand, girls can’t be too strong either. But it is okay if they are soft.

I see crying and tears as a power and not a sign of weakness, how are you going to do about that?

I know boys and men who cry easily. I saw their red faces and ugly wet noses as they overwhelmed trying to say all the things that fucked them over. But never ever I laugh at them for shed tears. Maybe I did when the reason like this one time my brother cried when my mom constantly told him to take a shower because he needed to go to school and he already woke up late and he told my mom that he won’t go to school anymore, or for the rest of his life.

Before, I used to hate a girl who cries easily just because I feel like I am accused of being cold just because I am not one of them. I feel stronger and ridiculously think I am better than those girls just because I am not a crybaby. Then, I hate them for being such a cry baby and in some way it makes my feelings appear to be less and small just because I don’t do what they do. But I learn that it is not their fault, and I addressed my hatred to a wrong place.

This is not me complaining, in “I don’t cry easily and it is society’s fault that often I am presumed as a cold-hearted bitch but I want you to know that I am not” kind of way. Also, I am not sure if this is one of the things that can be called is another reason why we need feminism. I told you earlier, I am not sure yet about where I am in this conversation.

I am here to tell you, as someone who finds it hard to cry, that you shouldn’t make fun of anyone, everyone for being such a cry baby. Emotions are beautiful, and that what makes us human, that what makes us see every single one of us better, understand each other better. It is honest, and we shouldn’t let those stupid expectations hold us back to feel it all in.

I am here to tell you, even when someone doesn’t have tears on their face when you already cry her/him a river, red face and disgusting wet nose, it doesn’t always mean that they don’t feel what you have inside you. We are humans too, we do feel things, and it doesn’t make you feel more than we would have for you. You can’t measure someone else’s feeling in that way only. It doesn’t always mean that we are holding something back. It doesn’t always mean that we are trying so hard to be strong. It doesn’t always mean that we are an asshole.

Sometimes, perhaps. But trust me, you can always tell when someone is emotionless asshole if you listen wholeheartedly to your intuition. And I would just leave it all to you about how you are going to do with that, my best advice, for another post maybe?

Anyway, that’s all I think, or so far at least.

Oh, I almost forgot, there is another thing I hate: when you cry a lot for stupid or the same old reason over and over again. Here’s something else to put in mind, there are people who are not good in handling crying and they would just awkwardly laugh and awkwardly hug you because perhaps they don’t know what to do or say. Or maybe they just don’t understand the whole situation you are going through yet, so they can not really see in what perspective they should empathize with you.

So even though I envy those who cry easily when I need to cry so badly, I still find it irritating when someone cries way too much, or use tears to play with people’s head and emotion, appearing to be a victim just so they can blame anyone else for their lack of maturity.

Well, I do sound like I hate a lot of things, don’t I?

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